Yes, I know that most people's years go from Jan1-Dec 31. In my heart, however, my soul year always goes from Feb17-Feb 16th. It is on Feb 17th that I try to always set aside a time of gratitude to God and reflection. A time I look back and then forward. I'm a little late this year. Matter of fact, I totally missed Feb. 17th, didn't even recognise it as it passed by. I don't know why. I'm still expressing gratitude on a daily basis to the Lord, still trying to walk humbly with God, humans and the rest of His creation. And there wasn't any pressing business on that day. I just did what I do now. Got up early, worked on my two online jobs, washed the dishes, made the meals, had the extreme privilege of taking care of our grandson while his mommy worked. Sat in my chair, tried to be a help to my husband, who has been very ill for well over a year. It wasn't until a week or so later that I realized I had missed my special private celebration day.
This morning I got up at 4:30 am , I had been awake much of the night because my dear husband was struggling and in pain and I keep an ear open for him, much like I did for my newborn baby's breathing. Holding my breath so I could hear for sure that they were still breathing. (It's a mother thing.) There's absolutely nothing I can do to change what the love of my life is going through, ( The Drs don't really know what's wrong--its supposedly not fatal, just chronic immense pain , etc. ) so I got up
.
I made a cup of green tea, had my normal bowl of 1/2 cup of oatmeal and 1 tablespoon of cottage cheese. However, instead of reaching right away for my laptop( I like working in the early hours, it's quiet and allows me to focus on the people in my life later in the day and I have this compulsion to be faithful to accomplish the tasks I have) I leaned back in my chair, sipped the tea and spent some time praying. Not asking, just seeking the presence of God, whom I love and want to be faithful to.
After awhile, I asked to be cleansed of any sin besetting me, because I wanted to repent, but sometimes I need reminding of what I am currently mired in. I am, sadly ,dense in that way.Of course, I repented for pride. It is a very human affliction......no, choice made without thinking As I was still in a listening mode, the word grueling came to mind. This didn't seem like a normal sin . Matter of fact, I asked...please explain this to me. Now, I knew that grueling meant exhausting, but I couldn't wrap my thinking around that being sinful. I know my non believer friends may stumble over the term "sin". Don't stumble, it just means actions and attitudes that are keeping me from being who I am wholly meant to be. Anyways, I looked up grueling in the dictionary and I wasn't surprised by what I read:
extremely tiring and demanding.
"a grueling schedule"
| synonyms: | exhausting, tiring, fatiguing, wearying, taxing, draining, debilitating; |
Nothing clicked in my heart or brain, so I went on and googled "wheat free eating' as I had come across something the day before that piqued my interest. As I read, I began to realize that it has been a very grueling year-
Grueling, on my heart, as I've watched my husband suffer physically and waste away before my eyes. He gave everything he had and was to serve, poured out his health while serving, He is an incredible man of integrity, wisdom and skill-now, deeply sad and feeling ineffectual. It breaks my heart, everyday. Grueling, as I've had the joy of being involved in the lives of my daughters and getting to spend time with the grandchildren and seen, up close, the burdens they each carry. Grueling, as I've attempted to reach out to my other children ,often to let them know someone is thinking of, wishing them well and praying for them. And, as I've been praying for and contacting my own dear parents on a daily basis. Watching my brother and mom and dad go through both life threats and the uncompassionate process of aging. Praying for friends and former students when I see through fb that they are going through hard times.
Grueling, on my body, too, my own health isn't good. My eyesight is failing. Shingles, twice (enough said!) The arthritis that I've now had for over 30 years is still whiny and complaining and demanding of my attention. I gained back all the weight I had lost while eating rice and beans in the D.R. and i haven't lost it since, because my knee is wrenched and it hurts to walk and I didn't want to fall on the ice, so I stopped walking over the winter.
Grueling, work wise,I'm grateful for my work because it is the only job for our household. It is ,however , one of those jobs you have to be faithful to, daily jump through hoops for and for the big creative pushes you need to wait and then hurry up...A LOT. My emergencies spawned because of other people's priorities or lack thereof. When I'm tired my fingers type backwards and that means I have to proof and edit a lot. The people I am working with online are kind, but treat me like I'm an idiot who hasn't spent a large portion of my life observing people , learning how to teach and how to truly care for students as people, so they can learn what they need for their lives. I get really tired of having to prove my skills time and time again in new environments. (Aw, there's that ugly pride, again.Sorry, Lord. ) And becoming an online teacher in a digital world , writing curriculum for others in the digital landscape requires at best -a lot of translation of skills and knowledge and at worst - a steep learning curve.
Although this is not, by far ,the hardest year we've ever had, it has been grueling- Nose to the grindstone, I'm still smiling...but I'm tired and weary and worn. Is that a sin? No , not in so many words, but it is a condition that isn't healthy for my soul or my body.
My parents asking me, are you OK? How are you holding up?And I've always been thinking. Of course, why are you even asking me. I'm not the one who is suffering. So , Lord, you have been nudging in this area for awhile...I see it now. After reflection and your kindness toward me in revealing this, I just need to ask. How do I ungruel?
I find myself thinking of the character of Oliver Twist, who came trembling with his bowl empty of watery gruel ( a thin, watery porridge made of grain and water.) and asked:" Please, sir, may I have some more.....He was being oh, so courageous to ask for more, he was a hungry, uncared for, vulnerable child. Gruel would chase the gnaw from his tummy, but not from his heart.
My deepest desire and daily prayer is that I be found faithful, more than anything else. .
Have I confused grueling-trudging on with faithfulness?
Thanks for bearing with me. I wanted to blog this because somehow, I have the feeling...I'm getting ready to be changed. I do hope, through the grace of God, for the better.
No comments:
Post a Comment